stalling moments

i found myself on the bathroom floor.

of el vez.

and no, it wasn't the tequila, i was the designated driver after all.
so while i seemed like i was madly drunk stumbling from the outside, through the bar, down the stairs trying to make it to the bathroom, i lost my hearing and gained tunnel vision.
the first stall had no toilet paper so i moved to the next, fell into the toilet, righted myself and then woke up staring at the ceiling.

i'm sure most peoples' first reaction would be freak out because they passed out. my thoughts, of course, did not work this way. in typical claudia fashion i breezed through,
"ohmygosh, where am i?"
*turns head to the right*
"i'm pretty sure that's a toilet touching my face"
*looks back up*
*looks back to the right*
"ewww, that IS a toilet touching my face."
"thank goodness i'm wearing long sleeves and jeans."
"thank goodness i didn't bother washing my hair today."
"i'm really glad i have long sleeves and jeans on."
"am i dreaming?"
"oh. oh. oh. this is el vez. i'm on the bathroom floor of el vez."
and then it dawned on me. where was laura? and then it really dawned on me WHERE IS LAURA?!

i managed to stand up and sit on the toilet. i couldn't walk. i realized i was profusely sweating and knew i'd lost my color. a girl came in and i tried to speak to ask her to go find laura. i couldn't.
then, just as if she knew,  laura came in looking for me. she was concerned i was gone too long. i told her what had happened. she helped me walk a few steps until i was able to get to the "rubber sofa that we dare not sit on". i sat down...with both of us audibly gasping, "ohhh" but i couldn't help it.

she told me i needed to take a pregnancy test.
i told her i'm never eating bazooka limon guacamole again.
she told me i really needed to take a pregnancy test.
i told her if i was pregnant that this was not a bad dream but a nightmare.
she told me it would be awesome if i were to have a baby.
i told her i wasn't pregnant.

we agreed it surely was not the blood orange margaritas.

she told me i couldn't drive home.
i told her she had to drive home.

laura was not the designated driver.
we stayed at el vez for a bit more time.

needless to say, i'm getting tested for an avocado/latex allergy. third time is a charm! and while i'm lamenting the loss of avocados, i'm super relieved it's not the tequila.

and the pregnancy test was negative.
phew.

***claudia

yes, sadly, it was negative. i'm extremely disappointed. and no. no way it was the blood orange margaritas. not our precious life's blood! i know it was not the blood orange margaritas because i clearly remember a previous incident surrounding said guacamole....


a month prior to the cleaning of el vez's bathroom floor by claudia, we were out and having a lovely dinner, once again, at el vez. now, i can already hear some of you out there ringing in my ears, yes, i do know there are other places to go. i'm sure there are many others, but my thoughts on this are: if it ain't broke, why fix it? i'm not a 'grass is greener' type of person as 99% of the population seems to be these days (ok, i won' go off on that tangent. for now.), if i find something that pleases me, that never lets me down, i stick with it. hence our monthly outings to el vez for mexican pizza (with extra cilantro, thankyouverymuch), bazooka limon guacamole, blood orange margaritas and a few extras that are always wonderfully entertaining to top off the night. i mean, really? who could pass that up just to try something new that likely won't provide the delicious food and often shocking scenes that we have become so accustomed to? not me. 


anyway, we were happily eating our guacamole and drinking our margaritas, some of us were even making inappropriate comments about other patrons, ahem. we had finished our food and used the aforementioned ladies room, then went outside when claude turned and said to me, "i'm not feeling well, can we sit out here in the fresh air for a moment?" she said she felt like she was going to lose her dinner. i reminded her ever-so-gently that i told her not to eat so much avocado, it's too rich. she nodded her head and mumbled something about it being too good not to eat and we sat on the little wall just outside of the restaurant. and sat. and sat some more. being the awesome friend that i am, i began to tease her: "don't think about pistachios, claude. and definitely don't think about all that avocado you ate. man, that was a lot of guacamole!" at which point she said that just hearing those words made her want to puke and could i please stop? i turned to say something else thoroughly snarky, i'm sure, when i looked at her face. it was grey. and her lips? even greyer. they actually matched the color of the pebbles in the rock garden behind us. so i stopped being the insensitive friend that i am and left her in peace. and we sat some more. then i said, "do you want me to drive us home tonight?" (yes, it was her turn to drive, again.) to which she feebly nodded, yes. on the way to the car, claude looked at me and said, "are you ok? do you need some more time before driving? i'm sorry we sat there for 20 minutes." i just laughed and told her it was more like an hour. 


she made it through the night that night without passing out OR puking. but that was the start of her brand new avocado allergy. which i'm completely confident her tests will show, by the way. because, honestly? we're not giving up our blood orange margaritas. i'll just incorporate an extra stop at the ER on the way home into our el vez routine if need be.

laura